Princess Leia lying awkwardly on the floor like a drunk belly dancer, dirty clothes and manky old wigs.
Those visiting the Stars Wars exhibition in Wolfsburg, Germany, would have been forgiven for mistaking it for the set of a budget porn film.
The force was definitely not strong in this awful display of creepy mannequins, terrible lighting and all-round lameness.
Take Chewie for example – obviously just a wig glued to a doll head.
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Uproxx's list of 10 Star Wars characters we'll never see in the movies starts out a bit obviously with Jaxxon and Ackmena but gets weirder, funnier and sadder with every new name. Here's a sample:
Triclops, The Emperor’s Three-Eyed Son
If the fact that the Emperor’s three-eyed son is named Triclops doesn’t make you groan, know that there’s a guy who pretended to be the Emperor’s three-eyed son, and his name is… wait for it… Trioculus. The possible result of genetic experimentation instead of good old-fashioned sexytimes, Triclops was kept imprisoned for years, because the Emperor was cringingly embarrassed that he named his three-eyed son Triclops. “What was I thinking? Was I on a Homer kick that day?,” he could be heard to mutter as he roamed the halls of the Death Star late at night. “Could I not have gone with Greg or Jerry or, I dunno, Bob?” Triclops eventually escaped captivity and had a two-eyed son, named not Duoclops but Ken. Again: The Emperor has a grandson named Ken. Somehow, Duoclops would’ve been better.
For this, and nine more reasons, the author concludes, we can be glad the EU is gone. Except that it probably isn't really gone, and even if it is gone the things that will replace it will likely be just as cringeworthy from time to time.
Follow the link for more EU absurdities.
Dubbed the Star Wars Pet Fans Collection (surely that should say "Star Wars Fans Pet Collection", or are we all to pretend that the pets themselves are fans?), this latest barage of Star-Wars-themed dreck includes a Yoda dog hoodie (with ears, of course), a cat necktie (click here if you don't believe me), and a Princess Leia cat headpiece (caution: not suitable for children, apparently).
You may note the pronounced tendency toward dog and cat costuming. There do not appear to be any costume options for ferrets, guinea pigs, rabbits or fish. Perhaps these other pets haven't yet discovered the joys of Star Wars. Or cosplay. Or both.
Says UT San Diego,
Even the staunchest critics of pet costumes may change their minds when they see the new collection of Star Wars products that Petco is rolling out this weekend.
Not this one.
Is there some toilet decorating craze going on that I'm not aware of? Pictured here is only one of many options available from eBay seller d-skins2011.
Astonishingly, this is not the first time I've featured Star Wars toilet seats on this blog. In case you missed it, here's a laser-engraved Star Wars toilet seat from last November.
SB Nation reports that Lucasfilm officials intervened to correct Ilyz Bryzgalov's Star-Wars-themed goalie mask. As previously noted, the Philadelphia Flyers' goalie was sporting a new mask last week featuring Yoda wielding a reddish lightsaber. (It turns out the lightsaber was orange, so as to match the Flyers' colours.)
Lucasfilm was not, it seems, happy about this bit of artistic licence, and intervened to request/demand that the mask receive the notorious Lucasfilm Special Edition treatment. From SB Nation:
According to a report by Enrico Campitelli of the 700 Level, Lucasfilm contacted the Flyers and informed them that they wanted the color of Yoda and the saber color to be changed. Franny Drummond, the artist who designed the mask, told Campitelli that Bryzgalov might not have been permitted to wear the mask if those changes had not been made, via the 700 Level:
"We didn't realize we'd be offending anyone," Drummond told me this morning. "Yoda's Lightsaber was actually an orange-ish color before we changed it. We were going for a hint of the Flyers' colors in Yoda as well. There were no bad intentions. It was just a matching thing."
Bryzgalov wore the mask as it was originally designed in one game before Drummond made the alterations to Yoda's illustration.
The photo above (from USA Today via The 700 Level) shows the Lucasfilm-imposed deprovement. Honestly Lucasfilm, if Yoda lived for 900 years, is there really no possibility that he ever once weilded an orange lightsaber?
...I'm beginning to agree with you. Or at least I will if all these crazy Yoda movie rumours prove true.
Yoda was a great part of TESB. He was a necessary if negligible part of ROTJ. Then the prequels came and he turned into an annoying parody of himself. The world does not need more of this.
Dear Disney, if you're looking for a Star Wars character who really could support stand-alone movies, try this one.
Something horrible-looking called Tongal is behind the latest Star Wars/[enter product name here] tie-in, where [enter product name here] = Pringles potato chips.
Tongal gives people small amounts of money in exchange for their product-themed, crowd-sourced, social, viral, [enter other marketing buzzwords here] videos. As Tongal explains:
Launch a Tongal project and unlock new creative possibilities for your business through our unique process that will turn your core consumers into co-creators and let you discover a world of new creative talent capable of bringing new energy and inspiration to your brand.
A recent example of a Tongal campaign comes from this tweet:
Want to make an awesome music video for McDonald's new FishMcBites?! $40,000 prize pool. Pitch Phase open NOW.... fb.me/2DwrrRYEd— tongal (@tongal) December 19, 2012
How exciting. Tongal's latest campaign is The Force for Fun, in which Pringles and prequels join forces to debase the Star Wars franchise further. Here's how Tongal explains it:
Star Wars isn’t just a movie franchise: it’s a living, breathing, pop culture phenomenon, with a rich history and a limitless future. Whatever you call it: if it entices fully-grown adults to dress up like Wookiees and wait in day-long lines wrapped around city blocks, its power can’t be doubted.
(Fairly accurate so far.)
Since the first movie made the historic breakthrough in 1977, Star Wars has influenced our language, technology, and even our collective view of the universe.
Now again in the Fall of 2013, you’ll be (for real) ducking blaster bolts and Lightsaber blows from Yoda and Lord Vader himself when Star Wars returns to the big screen with back-to-back releases of Episode II: Attack of the Clones, and Episode III: Revenge of the Sith in breathtaking 3D!
And grab a snack! Who can ever forget the irresistible taste experience when you first popped the lid on some Pringles? Remember how you admired each crisp’s curved symmetry, and finally crunched down on their flavor-filled deliciousness?! More world-shaking than: You’re your father! And before you knew it, you were reaching for another. We know: the flavor Force is strong. We know that these are the crisps you’re looking for. We know: Pringles are a galaxy of goodness...
I can honestly say I have no recollection whatsoever of the first time I opened a can of Pringles. Nor do I recall admiring the potato chip's curves. And I'm pretty sure the line is, "I am your father!".
Pringles has always prided itself on being a fun, wide-open-to-the-universe brand. And why not? Pringles has always made snacking more playful, tasty, authentic, and unexpected. Even a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away....
So for Star Wars: Episodes II and III in 3D big debut: we want YOU to remind people how delicious Pringles really are. And we want you to tie-in the world’s most iconic snack food with the biggest entertainment property in the universe.
Pringles: bigger than grammar.
And we have a new challenge for you -- because this time, we want you to really dig in...and make some ART.
Art? Really? Actually, no. Here's what Tongal really wants you to make:
--Key Marketing Messages:
• Pringles provide an irresistible taste experience and are bursting with flavor.
• For a limited time only, Star Wars returns to the big screen with back-to-back releases of Episode II: Attack of the Clones; and Episode III: Revenge of the Sith in breathtaking 3D. This special cinematic event offers the original, awe-inspiring experience of watching Star Wars in 3D on the big screen in surround sound in a communal time with your friends and family. We are giving fans and movie goers the opportunity to see and relive the thrilling story of a once great Jedi Knight, Anakin Skywalker, in his dark turn into one of the most well-known villains of all time- Darth Vader, in a whole new way.
• Put Pringles at the center of the drama and portray both brands in a positive light.
• Inspire interest and excitement for the theatrical releases of Star Wars: Episodes II and II in 3D by including Star Wars iconography from Episodes II and III, Star Wars characters and music to promote the two movie event.
--Star Wars Branding Guidelines:
• Primary character focus is on Yoda and Darth Vader.
• Make sure that the creative is fully integrated- This video should only work with the involvement of a Star Wars character… If the Star Wars character could be removed and replaced with another character then the creative is not integrated.
• Do not put real world characters into the Star Wars universe, but Star Wars characters can enter into the real world.
• Should be easily accessible for all. Viewers shouldn’t need a deep understanding of the Star Wars universe to understand the idea.
• Have fun with the Star Wars brand but don’t make fun of it or its fans.
• Star Wars character should not be directly touching, holding or talking about a branded product (i.e. Pringles). Use of The Force to influence products is ok. It is also ok for a character to carry non-branded/generic products, embellishments and accessories that cannot be seen as an endorsement.
• OK:R2-D2 handing a napkin to a person to wipe their mouth after enjoying some Pringles.
• OK: Yoda using The Force to make some Pringles cans fly off a shelf at retail.
• Not OK: Yoda saying “The Force is strong with Pringles.”
• Not OK: Darth Vader holding and then eating from a can of Pringles.
• Character modifications should be in keeping with the tone of the film and should stay within the scope of the character’s true nature and personality, as well as support the brand equity and maintain the integrity of the film and the franchise.
--Pringles Branding Guidelines:
• Handling of Mr P: He is a logo, not a living mascot. He can be used in a static fashion but not as a living character.
• Crisps: The crisps can be actual photography or illustrations. Their most defining visual characteristic is their fun hyperbolic parabloid shape (also known as the double saddle). They are fair game in play (duckbill, etc) with people or without people. They can be used within scenes (see the Sour Cream & Onion can diving scene for inspiration) or as flying objects forming shapes and patterns.
• The eating of Crisps: Pringles should be enjoyed in a social, fun setting, not solo. Also, like most things Pringles are best enjoyed in moderation. They should not be eaten in a giant stack and or beyond a serving size.
• Color: Pringles Signature color is red, but Pringles cans are available in a wide spectrum of colors. The two other most popular colors/flavors are Green for Sour Cream and Onion or Yellow/Orange for Cheddar Cheese.
• Tonality: Pringles are high energy, fun and playful. Think: Ellen DeGeneres on her show.
• Key Brand Attribute: Irresistible Taste Experience. Eating a Pringle is different from a eating a regular chip. There is an experience people associate with the unique can and crisp. Everyone has their own way of popping the seal, pulling a stack, and snacking on a few. Nothing else is like a Pringle.
• Key Historical references: Music and Energy. Historically, Pringles advertising has brought the brand and the eating experience to life through song and movement (with catchy lines like “once you pop you can’t stop”). That line has been retired (so please do not use it), but the irresistible experience remains true. There is something magnetic, shareable and fun about eating Pringles.
--Target Audience: Adults 18-49, particularly those that have a past affinity for the Pringles brand and are open to rediscovering it.
--Tone: Fun, clever while maintaining the Star Wars brand’s spirit of epic adventure.
So we can all look forward to a fun, clever, crowd-sourced, Ellen DeGeneres-style Pringles/Star Wars commercial in which Yoda and Vader use the Force to manipulate (but not touch or eat) potato chips in 3D. Coming soon to a galaxy near you.