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Monday
Feb132012

Death Star PR FAQs the Phantom Menace

Death Star PR has posted a hilarious FAQ on the Phantom Menace. Here are some highlights, but follow the link below to read the whole thing. And don't forget to follow @deathstarpr on Twitter.

Is it a bad sign for a family/kid’s film that the second line of the opening crawl reads, “The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute”?
Are you kidding us? You obviously know nothing about children. Kids love their mobiles, tweeting about Justin Bieber and Facebooking but you know what they love more? INTERGALACTIC TAXATION LAW DISPUTES AND PARLIAMENTARY DEBATE ABOUT SAID LAWS. Today’s average seven-year-old is all like, “Hey Steve, did you see Ben 10 this morning? PSYCHE STEVE, SUPER PSYCHE! I DIDN’T! I WAS WATCHING THE GALACTIC SENATE DISCUSS THE PASSING OF AN ADDENDUM TO SUBSECTION 27(C)(iii) REGARDING SPECIAL DISPENSATION TO TRADE ACROSS INTERGALACTIC BOUNDARIES!”

...

Why is the “Queen” of Naboo an elected position? Doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose of a monarchy? How come she’s only sixteen or whatever? Would any even moderately sane planet really ELECT a teenager to rule them? Have they ever met an actual teenager?
Yes, okay, it would make a lot more sense if she was the hereditary ruler of the planet but seriously, stop nitpicking. This isn’t some stupidly boring movie about intergalactic succession laws and systems of government. It’s about the thrilling world of intergalactic taxation law, remember?

...

Wow… the expository dialogue between Padmé and Anakin is pretty fucking terrible, huh?
A word of advice? Literally the ONE way you are going to survive this movie and NOT rip your own frontal lobe out through your bloody ear holes is to not think about anything anybody says to anybody at any stage.

...

Okay, I’m scared but it’s time… Death Star PR, why are midi-chlorians?
Glad you asked! Midi-chlorians are intelligent microscopic symbiotic organisms that–

No, WHY are midi-chlorians? Why are they in the movie? Why did the concept of “the Force”, which everyone completely understood already, require more explanation?
Weeeell…  they provide a shorthand way for Mr. Lucas to tell the audience that Anakin is REALLY strong with the Force, rather than finding a clever and interesting way to show us that he’s incredibly strong with it.

It’s kind of like if the Harry Potter books had opened with Dumbledore waving his wand at Harry and saying, “Ah, I see you have the highest count of anti-Mugglets the world has ever seen! You will be the world’s GREATEST wizard!” Instead of setting up the whole mystery of who Voldemort was, what really happened to Harry’s parents and what his connection to Voldemort really is, which becomes the central mystery that plays out over seven books.

So … wait … you mean midi-chlorians provide a shorthand way of avoiding telling an actual interesting story in which we get to see Anakin first use, then begin to master his extraordinary powers against all the odds?
That’s it! Added bonus: it completely destroys the notion that the Force is an aspect of individual spirituality, which can be strengthened by one’s faith. Because strength in the Force is no longer about whether you believe enough to make something happen, it’s just whether you have enough midi-chlorians to do it. If you think about it, it negates Luke and Yoda’s entire training session on Dagobah! HOORAY FOR SCIENCE! WHOOO!

...

To recap, by now Qui-Gon has: mind-tricked the Gungan monarch, kidnapped a severely intellectually disabled Gungan for some reason, attempted to mind-trick a junk dealer, used the Force to manipulate a bet against said junk dealer, wagered his only means of transportation on a pod race, allowed (nay, encouraged!) a child to enter that pod race and taken a reading of that child’s DNA/midi-chlorians without parental permission.
That about sums it up. Is there a question here, or… ?

Given Qui-Gon’s complete lack of ANY KIND OF MORAL CODE WHATSOEVER TO THIS POINT, WHY DOESN’T HE JUST SAY, “FUCK YOU, WATTO!” AND TAKE ANAKIN’S MOTHER WITH HIM?
Qui-Gon is a Jedi, bound to a strict code of justice and morality and fuck it, it makes no sense to us either. Probably because it’s easier to just write her out of the story now? Of course, if the SECOND story had become the FIRST story, Mr. Lucas could’ve killed her off near the start, thus setting Anakin on the path to being a Jedi after already taking his first steps to the Dark Side by killing a bunch of Sand People, which would have been incredibly interesting and thus, isn’t even close to what actually happens.

...

I have no questions about the next few scenes, as my brain just genuinely tried to liquify itself rather than be subjected to the boredom contained within the Galactic Senate scenes again.
Man, you are missing out. This is the shit the kids have been waiting for, yo! When Supreme Chancellor Valorum asks Padmé, “Will you defer your motion to allow a commission to explore the validity of your accusations?” the kids go FUCKING MENTAL. To them, it’s like playing a video game inside a jumping castle that you can only win by eating so much candy you EXPLODE.

...

Surely the IMPORTANT thing now is that we’re at the climax! The nail biting and action-packed final act! This is going to be AMAZING!
Yes, the entirely computer generated Gungan VS Droid Army battle certainly promises to be JUST as exciting as the pod race, but better, because there’s a SLIGHT chance Jar Jar might die. But actually, it will be worse, because it contains even less human characters AND Jar Jar doesn’t, in fact, die.

Death Star PR: The Ultimate Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace 3D FAQ

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